Fragmented.

There are going to be times in life when you find that you’re doubting yourself. Unsure of that reflection in the mirror or what lives inside your skull. Shaken and mistaken. Numb with nowhere to run. Pointing that gun. Finger on the trigger, but it won’t deliver. An empty blow to a heavy heart. Just bring me back to the start. Looking back on the past only breeds complacency. I’m dying to know what lives within me, but I’m distracted by the battles raging on beneath this façade. Caught inside my head. So it seems I’m someone I’ve never met. See through me. I’m looking for a breath of life, a little touch of heavenly light. Light up the darkness, I no longer find comfort here. Whisper your wisdom, your sweet secrets, in these desperate ears. 

One moment of weakness after the next. A mindset. Setting myself up to be knocked down. Feeling beneath the ground. If I could feel. I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all. Rise above and stand tall. Be brave. Do not fear. Do not worry. It gets you nowhere. I’m going nowhere fast with an attitude like that. I don’t want to release myself from this phase. I can’t turn the page. Can’t turn my back on this place until I reach a resolve. I can’t afford to come back. The voyage is taxing. Before I go, I must be sure of the company I’m traveling with. This ticket for one. All I’ve experienced. All that I’ve done. Choices, mistakes. Bridges built and burnt. For better or worse. Things that are wrong. Putting up a fight for things that are right. Take flight. Take flight. I went in the night. Until I didn’t return. The lantern still burns. Lights the path to my heart’s desires. It inspires perseverance. Courage. Pride. But I’m blinded by the sight of darkness in the night. Looking for something I’ve never seen. Alone and I’m in between. The place that I’m going and the places that I’ve been.

I want, no I need, to be better. Not merely restored, but transformed into someone better than who I was before. What more? I’m unsure of what these words are for. My thoughts are scattered. Everywhere and nowhere all at once. Is it a bit too much? Throw a punch! I dare you. But I realize I’m just urging on my reflection. Beating myself down. I’ll be lucky if I don’t drown here on the ground. While I’m here, I’ll get back to my roots. Repair any foundation that’s been damaged. Amend what’s been broken by these earthquakes of emotion. Overwhelmed by the notion that who I am and who I want to be are not one and the same. Life is not a game. But I take things too seriously with all these pressures and expectations placed on me. Struggling to live up to who I need to be has led me to forget who I am. Help me remember. Help me find myself again. In need of a friend, but the only way this will all end is if I go alone. Face what stares back. Take control. Ignite my soul.